The Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth - Part V

Eggs, Mushrooms, Apple Sauce, and ice cream.



What do these four edibles have in common?
Well, they are all very easy to chew when you are having tooth problems.

My cousin Jennifer, who holds a Masters in Divinity from Vanderbilt University, recently inquired if I had any wisdom to share upon turning 36. At the time, pre-Friday evening, I could not think of anything much more than to live a happy and healthy life, and that money is a tool - a bit of passed down wisdom from my father. A few hours later, however, it struck me. Literally. In the mouth. On my face. And leaving a nice broken smile reminder, that nothing is for certain and shit happens.

Certainly when I left Joe's, I would be stumbling a familiar, jagged path homeward and wouldn't remember any of it - and that is exactly what happened, for the most part. I do remember being hoisted up from the ground and exclaiming,"I broke my tooth !" Which personally, I think is pretty amazing considering the state that I had put myself into.

I would like to steal this opportunity to share with you the wee bit of wisdom that I gained from that fateful moment and some previous experiences that led thereto...

This wisdom is as follows: Take care of your moderation, all things are tools, and money = teeth.

You see, I am no stranger to the Tooths. I would invite you to come over and look at my collection of human adult teeth that I keep in my bathroom cabinet, carefully hidden away in a small blue bottle marked Excedrin PM.
I pity the poor sleepless fool who inadvertently cracks open that medicine cabinet in hopes of finding something to ease their wearied mind to sleep, only to find a handful of teeth to come spilling from the blue container of hope. Hopefully, they will notice that the little white tablets they hold in their hand are not the intended remedy for their late night insomnia before clamping down on them, lest they add to the growing collection. Perhaps I should bury them in the spring garden, in hopes of new growth ?

It would seem that the damage I have inflicted upon myself may have been greater than visible to the untrained eye, as my dental assistant had pointed out that each tooth on both sides have subsequent cracking. Sympathy cracks, perhaps? She went on to further prove my point, stating,"They may never break off - you may have them forever...or they might just one day up and die on you and you'll have to have them crowned." BLAM! Nothing is for certain and shit happens!

You see, my friends...when the first tooth came out way back in 2003, it was very elementary. I kept poking at the tooth because it hurt and carried itself a bit loosely, until one day it just fell out right there in the bathroom sink.
You might call it a Wake-Up call from my mouth. Soon enough, I made an appointment with the dentist (Let's call him Phat Finger Phil for anonymity's sake.) Great dentist, wonderful person, incredible environment but the man has some large fingers.I don't have a problem with that, I have a large mouth. Well, maybe a big mouth. Okay, its average. Either way, the boss had called prior to my arrival and arranged for my experience to be "pain-free" on their dime. He could have parked a bus full of elephant turds in my mouth and I would have called it candy. Thus brings me to my next point, Money is a Tool.

For those of us without any corporate-sponsored medical / dental insurance, money - or lack thereof - can sometimes pose a bit of a problem. However, I can seriously encourage anyone and everyone who can find the extra cash to spend it on your aches and pains. Kudos to the boys who limped through part of the winter, and my sorrows to the poor lass with the cauliflower cup. Your body will thank you in the long run, and you might not have to pick your teeth out of the bathroom sink in the interim. Money is a tool for you to use, because shit happens and then one day you might fall flat on your face. God Bless the Credit Card Corporations and the Student Loan Syndicates !

Now I have made public my secret shame and shared the secrets strangled from such strange satisfactions. I do hope we can still be friends.

The Chardonnay bottle that joined me for a halibut searing this evening is telling me that I have said enough. I would like to give a shout-out to the birthday girl Tiffany Kelly Peterson, who has a beautiful smile and a massive debt, and to her husband who always inspires. Happy Birthday !